Be my cyber Valentine. There’s chocolate and jiggy involved

Dearest Rusty,

I do hope that’s not too forward of me but each correspondence we exchange makes me feel increasingly close to you, almost as if I had known you for years. Your words paint a picture of you that no artist could ever hope to capture on canvas and each missive adds more features to be explored.

I do admire your attention to limiting your expenditure; I trust this means that you have sufficient funds deposited in case of a rainy day? I do think this is important when you don’t have any kith or kin to look after you in times of need. You did say that you weren’t close to your family didn’t you? I understand the loneliness that arises in such a situation as my family are no longer with us, however they did all make generous provision for me in their wills which softened the blow each time one of them had an accident. Its strange how all the family has been so accident prone apart from me, I guess that makes me the black sheep of the family. However I have now adopted the attitude that my friends are my family and I am lucky to have chosen loving and generous friends even if they all seem to be accident prone too. Unfortunately my one remaining living friend has decided to take out an injunction on me and has been spreading malicious untruths about my whereabouts when each of my much missed friends has met their end. I can only assume that she is jealous of the generosity that each showed me in their wills.

Regarding your Eau de Stilton, please elaborate; is it the Blue edition, the White edition, or the festive Fruity White edition? I have to admit that I didn’t expect to find another man with an epicurean taste in aftershaves after losing my 17th husband. Please tell me that you don’t have Eau de Marmite in your collection though as I have a large bottle left by him that is looking for an appreciative home, he only used it the once before choking to death in a manner quite unexplained.

Being the lady that I am I could not, of course, admit to knowing of the film that you allude to, indeed I must protest at such an insinuation and direct you to the Disney film of the same name. I do understand though that both films are loosely based on the same story and it may be interesting to make a comparison some time…only in the interests of broadening my knowledge you understand, not for any purposes of titillation. I cannot condone titillation outside of marriage which, of course, is conditional on a will being made that ensures that, as a loving wife, I am not left destitute should my beloved die before me.

With regards to the servicing, please don’t worry about that, I am a very capable woman with many contacts and I’ll soon have the matter in hand if you’re happy for me to take control in that area.

Did I tell you of my contacts in the art world? My sitting with Pablo Warhol is at his instigation as he has seen other paintings of me. I wonder if your playing card that reminds you of me might be based on one of those paintings? Andy Rubens captured my image so well, another man who was drawn to, and wanted to draw, my ample assets and he did so like me to dress up for him and he loved incorporating food into his art, I learnt so much about how to handle a Flake from him and he brought out my adventurous side although I did have to draw the line the day he brought a marrow into the studio. Your playing card could well have been one of his works.

Your skill in writing does entertain me, please don’t make me wait too long for you reply…oh dear, I did say I didn’t beg didn’t I? Look at the effect you’re having on my in such a short space of time. I am quite overcome!

Yours blushingly,
J xx

P.S. Don’t worry about Mrs T, I understand that since becoming a grandmother sales in gripe water have soared in her town and not much of it is taken by her grandchild. Not only that but her husband has taken to marking the sherry decanter. She did tell you about her husband didn’t she? I understand he is quite senior in the Yorkshire Mafia and may have had something to do with the recent beef burger scandal…whenever they do the horse head in the bed thing it’s his responsibility to dispose of the horse’s body. Say no more :wink:

Dear Mr Trawler .
This letter will be short but sweet , bit like me really im not a person to overdo it on letter writing ill just get straight to the point. I would be honoured to be you’re valentine date no chocolates or flowers needed , just the fine company of a very lovely man like yourself.by reading Jens application im not perfect but am sure by the end of the evening shud be quite an interesting one.
hope to hear from you soon
kindest regards
CheekyLittleMinx

PS… cheques in the post …… winks ;)

Dear Lusty Caller

I too have been left on the shelf and once again be on my own on Valentines Day.

You sound like the kind of man I would love to share the rest of my life with, my mum promises she won’t interfere with any more of my relationships and has assured me I will be allowed to go out on a date without her in tow. Her legs aren’t what they used to be.

I am 49 years old, 5’6, have jet black hair which looks so natural after a colour treatment. My hobbies are signing up for every dating site on the internet possible, volounteering in the hospital shop, which I do once a week for an hour after my weekly appointments. My psychiatrist said it would help me come out of my shell and give me a new confidence. I never thought sellling a quarter of mint humbugs could be so much fun.
Mummys really proud of me.

I am quite shy and don’t know what else to say, but if you decide you would like a few more letters before we actually meet, I will ask one of my 196 best friends from an internet site I use when mummys asleep called Just Chat. The people in there are so caring and understanding and often say they wish I would find a bloke so I can stop going into the room.

Bye for now

Kenty

love it xx