Decoding Personal Ads

WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish: 49
Adventurous: Slept with everyone.
Athletic: No breasts.
Average looking: Mooooooo.
Beautiful: Pathological liar.
Emotionally secure: On medication.
Feminist: Fat.
Free spirit: Junkie.
Friendship first: Reformed slapper.
New-Age: Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned: No BJs.
Open-minded: Desperate.
Outgoing: Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional: B*tch.
Voluptuous: Very Fat.
Large frame: Hugely Fat.
Wants soul mate: Stalker.

MEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish: 59.
Adventurous: Slept with everything (including the neighbours dog and my ex wife’s shower cap).
Athletic: I spend three hours a day in front of mirror flexing my non biceps and twitching my boob ‘pecks’ along to various Tom Jones tunes.
Average looking: Danni Divito’s body with Woody Allan’s face.
Handsome: Personal ad was written by his mother.
Emotionally secure: Still married.
In favour of woman’s rights: Pathological liar.
Free spirit: Open relationships wanted.
Friendship first: Small penis.
New-Age: I’ll try anything.
Old-fashioned: Male chauvinistic pig.
Open-minded: Any age/any sex.
Outgoing: I will talk/drink/shag anyone under the table.
Professional: Toff.
Cuddly: Beer belly/’high hips’.
Large frame: Bed bound.
Wants soul mate: Middle aged virgin