New Employment Rules

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board
under the “Chronic Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to
drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management