REVIEW OF THE (ELECTION) WEEK

VOTE FOR BRITAIN

I am distraught this week, having lost my deposit in my attempt to gain nomination in Grimsby (East Central) on behalf of the British National Party. Despite the solid backing of all my supporters (Alf and Betty Skinhead) and many others (too many to be mentioned by name), I lost the close-fought contest by the narrowest of margins: 54,243 to 3. What does this mean for the decent, working-class citizen of Grimsby (East Central), surrounded as they are by thousands of hard-working, law abiding, church-going Estonians? Well it doesn’t bother me cos I am off to live in Grimsby (North) and the coonts that failed to vote for me in Grimsby (East Central) can continue to live with the fear of their houses being robbed and their women being raped by illegal immigrants from Eastern Europe. And hell mend them!

TRUE BRITS

During my election campaign, people often said to me, “Panickstricken, what do you think of the fact that our local MP, John Prescott, has abandoned his socialist principles and seems to be living the life of Riley with his two jags, three grace-and-favour houses and three* mistresses?” I of course replied that it was his inalienable right, as an elected representative in the House of Commons, to abuse his position in any way he sees fit. Too many people seem all too eager to criticise this white, working-class, left-winger and this is typical of the British disease – building people up and knocking them down again! It is too easy to forget that, if it wasn’t for John Prescott, we would not have burgeoning Union membership, integrated transport systems and an environment that is completely free from pollution and carbon-emissions! This is almost entirely due to his efforts in bringing in people to the region from Latvia and Bangladesh who are prepared to drive our trains and buses and pay union fees in the futile hope that he will save them from drowning whilst collecting co ckles! C’mon people of Britain, New Labour may be totally useless, but think how much worse it would be if it wasn’t for ‘True Brits’ like John Prescott!!

FOOTBALL’s COMING HOME**

Even as I spent all last week knocking on doors (and breaking windows!) in the futile quest for support in the local elections, I couldn’t help but notice that many people’s thoughts were focussed on the really important issues such as Wayne Rooney’s metatarsal injury. Ever since metatarsal bones were discovered (in 1996) it seems that many English footballers have suffered from this terrible affliction. No-one else in the whole world seems to suffer from this problem. Why?? I am not alone in linking the arrival of metatarsal injuries in the UK to the introduction of the lunatic European Parliament’s decision to introduce the Freedom of Movement Act and the subsequent arrival in this country of millions of Albanian murderers and drug-dealers. My only hope was that the country would awaken to this fact and vote BNP before England’s chances of winning the World Cup were scuppered completely! Given the election results, it seems that the people of Grimsby (East Central) have lost all interest in the World Cup! On the plus side, the news that a 61 year old grandmother has recently fallen pregnant may indicate that Mr Rooney is not as far off match-fitness as was originally feared!

* figures correct at time of going to press

** Berlin – geddit?