Eleven things seen on the roads of Britain

Confirmators – these look like indicators but they only work at the instant the car makes the turn (or slightly after).

Infuriators – again these look like indicators but they are only used on straight roads – often motorways – for miles and miles.

Nondicators – only fitted to BMWs these are never used, except to bag a parking space in multi-story car parks.

Divlights – very similar to fog lights but only used during the hours of daylight.

****lights – these are fog lights that can only be used if the head lights are on.

Dumblights – just like rear fog lights, but once used they cannot be turned off for days, sometimes weeks or months.

Dicklights – similar to the above, but used in slightly misty conditions in nose-to-tail traffic.

Unilights – these are like head lights, but fitted to only one side of the vehicle and angled to light up the opposite side of the road.

Crashdoors – like ordinary car doors but these are thrown open violently (usually outside schools) without warning, to sharpen up the avoidance skills of passing motorists.

Cyclelights – almost mythical devices rumoured to be seen on older cyclists’ machines.

Lanejamma – this is a vehicle that can never reach the legal speed limit and can only be driven in the centre or outside lane of motorways.