HOTLINE

 “If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.”

 “If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.”

 “If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.”

 “If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.”

 “If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.”

 “If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.”

 “If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no-one will answer.”

 “If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.”

 “If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.”

 “If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.”

 “If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. Then when no-one answers you for 5 minutes procced to smash the hand-set & then rip the phone lines out of the wall.”
 “If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.”

 “If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.”

 “If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

”Always remember, your call is very important to us so please stay on the line while we ignore you. Just imagine if we had caller I.D.”