How to fix your computer

Windows –
step 1
You phone your server’s helpline and are told to reboot
Did that fix it?
No?
go to step 2
Step 2
format hard drive
reinstall Windows
(lose all your files: quietly weep)

Apple –
Step 1
You phone Apple and are told to take it to an apple store
Did that fix it?
No?
go to step 2
Step 2
Buy a new Mac
(overdraw your account: quietly weep)

Linux
Step 1
Learn to code in C++. Recompile the kernel. Build your own microprocessor out of spare silicon you had lying around. Recompile the kernel again but this time using a CPU powered by refracted light from Saturn. Grow a giant beard. Blame Sun Microsystems. Turn your bedroom into a server closet and spend ten years falling asleep to the sound of whirring fans. Recompile the kernel again. Abandon all hygiene. Write a regular expression which would make all other programmers weep blood. Learn to code in java. Recompile the kernel again but this time laughing maniacally.

Did that fix it??
No?
Go to step 2

Step 2
buy a Windows or a Mac (quietly weeping)