LOL

·Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

·Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing.That’ll keep her busy.

·I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

·After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

·My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house.Turns out she was a Slovak.

·I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

·After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

·A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

·Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.

· Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Ja-Hovis-Witnesses.