MINI-HEROES

I was watching the Hollyoaks omnibus this morning (wonderful programme that) and I noticed the really helpful little man in the corner of the screen doing semaphore messages for all the deaf sailors. I don’t think it’s fair that only deaf people should have a little man or woman to help them through life. I think that everyone should be able to have a little person to help them and it gave me a marvellous idea to make little miniature clones of famous people and sell them to people for ridiculous prices. I think there would be great demand for little cloned experts, or Mini-Heroes as I plan to call them.

Mrs Higginbottom, for example, could do with a little cloned version of Kim and Aggie to help her with her housework. They could sit on the edge of the coffee table and point out all the crumbs and lumps of dog hair under the settee for instance. I suppose they would have to be wary of the dog but they could use a little cattle prod or a miniature can of mace or something if the horrid old dog came sniffing around with its awful breath. Similarly, she could have a little clone of Gordon Ramsay to help her make dinner for Mr Higginbottom. He could be perched on top of the breadbin and remind her to wash her f ****** hands before she touched the sausages.

Mr Richardson from Number 45 is a terrible car driver and he could get a mini clone of Jeremy Clarkson to sit on his dashboard and remind him to change gear or tell him if any old ladies are about to walk out in front of his car again.

I don’t think it would be a terribly difficult thing to do, making miniature clones of people. Anyone could do it really. All you need is a piece of skin or some hair or a piece of bone to make a clone. The art really is in stopping the clones from growing too big but I have been reading a book on the Japanese art of bonsai. I imagine you would simply have to restrict the amount of water and make sure their clothes are very tight (say Action-Man or Barbie Doll size) in order to get the clones to grow to an appropriate size. I shouldn’t imagine there would be too much demand for full-size clones – it’s important that they can fit through a letterbox.

Of course, the wonderful thing about Mini-Heroes (apart from the fact you can carry them around in your pocket) is that the choices will be limitless. The Queen could have lots of mini-Prime Ministers so she could set them all up at bedtime and let them discuss all the important matters of the day and make her decisions at breakfast. That way she would be able to spend more time with her corgis instead of being busy all day and having to just let them out for a wee in the Royal Courtyard. Corgis need proper exercise otherwise they get all fat and horrid.

I think lots of people would be interested in having a Mini-Hero. I would imagine George Bush would be finished in Iraq by now if he had a mini Winston Churchill perched on the end of his desk, telling him how he managed to duff up the Germans. I wonder if anyone else has any ideas of who would make a good bonsai clone?