Pats: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

Being a fully mature freak now, Pats has obviously had to develop a beauty regime which can adapt to her hectic life; a life which includes being used as stunt double in conspiracy documentaries about the Yeti and, which can also see her appearing as a stand-in for Dave Lee Travis at Radio 1 reunion nights.
A naturally hirsute pseudo-woman, even the act of eating a Plum-Duff can lead to major fur-ball problems, creating deafening coughs and splutters which are always likely to alert the RSPCA. Therefore, it has been Pats policy since her early teens, when her nasal hair started developing a mind of its own, making this sensitive mong look like a Wooley Mamoth, to have her own nasal gardener.
Obviously not being able to reveal the full horror of herself to just anyone, she chose an elderly, partially-sighted pensioner called Stanley, to come and clip her folicles once a month with a hedge-strimmer. Whilst he just about managed to prevent Pats nostrils looking like an IKEA carpet showroom, his poor sight did cause him to often cut and slash at Pats toughend hide, often leaving her face looking like a bloody hot cross bun. Although this facial scarring was irritating to Pats, at least she was able to breathe and snore.
Getting into the swing of things, Pats began thinking that maybe her eyebrow hairs were also somewhat excessive. This prompted her to embark upon a programme of plucking out the offending hairs. Rather than this making her appear more “human” though, all it unfortunately did was to make her look even more like the offspring of Big-Foot and a Roswell alien, making anyone who subsequently met her feel as though they’d just bumped into a surprised, badly-dressed, rug!
Another huge disadvantage which Pats possesses though, is her inability to find clothing to fit her big-boned frame. In the hot summer months this isn’t too much of a problem as she lounges around her bedsit, moulting on to bits of old newspaper which have been spread around. In the winter months though, Pats only chance of finding suitable footwear and gloves come when Ronald MacDonald’s boots are being sold through celebrity charity auctions, and when International Goalkeepers have conceeded 5 or more goals and want to get rid of their “unlucky” mittens.
One can see the problems and challenges Pats will always face through these examples, so please support our Halloween poetry reading support night for her entitled, Pats: A Mong not a Monster.