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A man walks in to a bar and is astonished to see three men and a dog playing poker at a corner table.
He watched in awe,then remarked, “That is the most amazing dog I have ever seen!”.
“Nah, he’s actually useless,” said one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand he can’t stop wagging his tail”.
I see the government has announced they’re gonna put warnings on ciggies and alcohol in picture form…
The fags are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs, and the beer’s gonna have pictures of fat birds.
@~Pebbles~ wrote:
I see the government has announced they’re gonna put warnings on ciggies and alcohol in picture form…
The fags are gonna have pictures of cancerous lungs, and the beer’s gonna have pictures of fat birds.
When are they taking your photographs?
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: “No use knocking’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”
I bought a self-help tape the other day.
It was called “How to handle disappointment.”
When I opened the box, it was empty.
I hate those Chinese people, always giving me evils.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I’m one of those people that likes to have a sh.it while I’m reading.
This is also the reason why I’m banned from Waterstones.
Andrew and Geoff, are a couple of Mental patients in Hospital, and decide to go for a swim in the pool one day.
Andrew jumps in and stays at the bottom, so Geoff dives in and saves him!
The hospital manger calls Geoff to his office, and says –
“I’ve got some good news and some bad news! – The good news is, you’re free to go, because you saved somebody’s life, so you’re obviously not insane! – The bad news is, Andrew Hanged himself in the Bathroom!”
“Oh no!” said Geoff “That’s where I put him to Dry!”
My kids have been on and on at me for ages about going to Alton Towers, so I thought today was as good a day as any.
They were fu.cking gutted when I got home!
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