Philosophical exchanges or first tremblings

Two

September the 4th was the day, a Tuesday. The year was 2006. George W. Bush was president with consequences we shan’t dwell upon. It was merely the second week of the next semester and Zack Malcolm was already at it again. Summoned to the principal’s office in what must have been record time. Seated behind a sparsely decorated desk was the head man on campus, Mr. Spalding. A big man, about 6’2, a bit overweight but not obese. In spite of his size, he was not an intimidating figure because his voice was weak and his face was stupid looking. Noticeably balding, mainly in the front, this tended to accentuate his already prominent forehead to the point of being somewhat bulbous in appearance. This troglodyte was nothing to be scared of.

Spalding seemed not the least bit surprised to see who had entered his office, even after a mere 6 days of the new year.

Spalding: “Second week and you’re already here eh Malcolm? What was it this time?”

Zack: (chewing gum and appearing particularly blase, bored even) A misunderstanding.

Spalding: Well that’s not good enough anymore. You’re becoming a young man and you have a total lack of self control. This year I’m gonna try a new approach. Instead of just punishing the students, I’m also going to try to guide them, understand them. Relate to them. I was once your age too. I know what you’re going through and it’s perfectly natural. They call it growing pains. Like the great TV show remember? You’re going to be the first student I’m going to guide.

Zack: Maybe you could just send me to detention. It’d be easier and far less boring.

Spalding: This is precisely the attitude that I’m talking about. You take nothing seriously. You don’t care about your school work, your future, life in general it seems. It’s an awful and debilitating way to go through life my friend. To care about nothing at all. What do you care about? What means anything at all to you?

Zack: Well like the deceased rap titan 2pac once said, I get around. Woop Woop What? In other words old man, I get the honies. They butter my biscuits and keep me warm at night, daddy.

Spalding: Girls? (smirking now) That’s what you do? That’s all? Well that won’t last forever.Do you care for any of these “honies” as you put it?

Zack: (muffled laughter and a look of slight astonishment at the question)

Spalding: I take that as a “no”. Hedonism is a shallow lifestyle Zack. And it never ends well. Why don’t you get a good book and read or better yet, read the good book. We aren’t a religious school as you know, but our sponsors do encourage us to try to interest the students in Jesus and his wonderful teachings. Life is confusing, difficult, scary. Especially at your age. Adolescence is a rough time. But there are answers. And they are easy to find.

By this point Zack’s countenance had shifted from detached amusement to growing annoyance.

Zack: I spit on your good book and that lunatic who occupies the sordid pages. A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Nothing.

Spalding: I won’t have that talk in here young man. You’ve a right to your opinion however warped and misguided, but you will not insult the Lord in this office.

Zack: Is it because you’d lose your funding if word got out that I have?

Spalding: Well….

Zack: Look, suppose we haven’t waited 2,000 years in vain for that bedraggled anorexic to return. Suppose he was here among us now. The first thing he’d do is disown all the corrupt hypocrites, the pigs that feed from the trough, getting fat on avarice, lies, and violence. His entire flock would be dismissed in righteous scorn. They’d have ti imprison him, denounce him as an imposter, and continue their grubby little ways. You among them, sir. Yes, you too.

Spalding: Outlandish! Obscene. How dare you….

Zack: Stuff your piehole, old cow. If there was a God why would he submit to us our sorry fate, our pathetic existence in which we eat each other to stay alive only to die anyway. Unless your God was a mad man, a sadist, he can’t exist. I used to pray to that God everynight, every damn night to protect me and take away my suffering. Everynight as a child. For years. Days turned to months and then years and NOTHING happened. Nothing! You son of a ……

Spalding: You’re going to hell (shrieking) You rascal

Zack: Aw, cool it, fatty. Your fat wife was here today. We saw her. Dumpy, middle aged, a bowl haircut even (laughing) Tell me something, boss and tell me good, you must, absolutely must, eyes tightly closed, wish and hope and pray that you can think about virtually any celebrity skirt when you’re slipping that mess the beef. Face it, that hideous creature you call a wife is the best argument of all that there could never be a God. Unless of course he’s a very twisted, sick sense of humor.

Spalding stood up so fast that his chair flew out from underneath him. He furiously pushed his desk aside and dashed for the boy. A giant fist struck down hard upon young Zack’s chest. Both principal and student were taken aback, their eyes grew as wide as each other. Spalding, initially stunned and with first instinct being to apologize, instead paused a moment. He became intoxicated with his newly discovered power. He grabbed the boy by the shirt collar and hurled him to the floor. He forbade him to get up. A gigantic shoe pushed the boy’s buttocks and he fell flat on his face. “On your knees, flea. No, bark!. No, no. Now you bark!” Zack was still in a daze at this bizarre and totally unexpected event. A swift kick to the abdomen brought him back to the reality of the situation. “Bark!!!!!!!” Spalding now virtually frothing at the mouth, face beet red, sweat roaring down his massive forehead. Zack did a strangled imitation of a small dog and the principal reacted with unrestrained glee. He howled in laughter like a man possessed. “You stay right were you are you turd. Don’t get up, poodle.” As if in a fever, Spalding hurriedly undid his pants and dropped them to his ankles. A disgusting genitalia surrounded by tangled, wildly unkempt mounds of graying hair was exposed. He took the grotesque tool in his hand and began arduously and in great earnest to rub it. Sickening grumbles emanated from the half naked man. He explained his intention was to ejaculate upon his foot and then have his “dog” lick it off his shoe. Zack, in horror, felt himself powerless. He could merely obey, meekly comply.