[a certain sadness]

I dont know you Mandy but is that Wiltshire in the background.

[a certain sadness]

Id bank half, give a quarter to my family and buy a boat with the rest and live on it.

Oh, and leave JC

[a certain sadness]

If your looking for a way out for Tingle xx

[a certain sadness]

I wish i knew how to do these things :?

[a certain sadness]

LOl i refuse to listen to commercial radio or watch any channel other than BBC as i cba with all the adverts.

A film on C4 lasting 2 hours takes 3 hours to watch.

[a certain sadness]

Can someone tell all these a%%%holes who are queueing up at the garage with 60 quids worth of fuel in their cars waiting to top up the tank with a fivers worth to get out the way so i can get some fuel cos i have to work.

[a certain sadness]

Tarde

[a certain sadness]

Time now for some more of my drivel :D

I miss and think of you every day. I think of calling you every day just to let you know how the day went, how things are, and what I wish and hope. But I know that it would soon lead on to when I am moving out, leaving my life as it is to live the life prescribed and determined by the rules of religion.

Being gay and coming out to you in my position wasn’t the easiest thing for me to do. Sometimes, I regret it every day. But you were patient; you were more than I could ever expect from parents in your situation. You didn’t condemn me. But you didn’t accept it either, and you never will.

Sometimes I wish I could have been the son who would make you proud, with a family and home. But the family I chose to make was the last straw for you both. It was a struggle to get you to meet my partner. That was the day I graduated, a day I wish you could be proud of. But I could feel how you both felt your dreams falling apart.

The day you saw our home was the worst day in my life – you yelled and screamed outside. How much more dramatic could it have been with the thunderous summer rain. I felt like laughing because of the stupidity of it all. Then you gave the ultimatum for me to leave my life now or never to come to either of your funerals.

I have had to lie to maintain my relationship with you both. But when I finally chose not to, I paid the price. It has been nearly two years since you found out about me and him. I wish we could escape this cycle of God and doctrine, of duty towards religion and community.

And now my partner has left me for another guy after three years of being together. Like with you, we divided in distance, in spoken words, in time. You always warned me that that would happen, that his people’s way wasn’t our way of life – their idea of commitment differs from ours. I’ve lived in four countries and I guess I never fitted in in any way of life.

I’ve lost a lot and, to be honest, I don’t feel any better for it. I just wish you could realise the idiocy of it all. I love you both, and the guilt I carry will hang over my head. Perhaps one day you will question why you believe that God and society should condemn me for being who I am and the irony of it all; but I don’t have faith that you will. Instead we all have to accept that things will never be the same. And for that I am sorry. Nature takes the path of least resistance normally … I guess we all do.

I love you, Ami and Baba.

Your son x

[a certain sadness]

Talking about smelly things, my feet absolutely stink today after a hard day up a ladder.When i took my shoes off my socks made their own way to the wash basket.

[a certain sadness]

gawd help us

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