[cath 55]

If I had a Rich Man

If I had a rich man,
Deiger deiger deidle deiger deidle deiger diedle dum,
All day long I’d sit upon my bum,
If I had a wealthy man …
I … wouldn’t have to work hard,
Bugger rising early every day for work before the Sun,
If I had a really bloody rich,
Heavy wallet … Tiger of a man.

I’d trade my soul for wealth and trivial possessions,
I’d prostitute myself for jewels and gold,
A Maid … A Cook … A Gardener to mow my lawn.
My dogs and I would live … high on the hog,
Each day we would swim and run and play,
Sleep till lunch … and party until dawn.

I’d liberate myself from the Hippy Commune,
Buy a freehold block bordering a National Park,
With no-one else polluting my water supply,
No nosy neighbours straining their ears … then complaining,
About noise … every time I sneeze or fart …
Invading privacy … and spreading malicious lies.

If I had a rich man,
I’d get a truckload of VIAGRA so I wouldn’t have to stray,
I’d hire a Nurse in case of Cardiac Arrest,
For when I put the VIAGRA to the test,
At first he’d believe that he’d been truly blessed,
If I had a wealthy man.!.!.!.

Copyright; Robyn Scott

[cath 55]

Estranged

I accept that I’m abnormal,
That is … different from the rest,
Unlike most other robots,
I put normality to the test,
Being born a female,
Was definitely not my choice,
My gender has always been a hurdle,
But I like my singing voice.

With tattoos on my shaven head,
Of my Staffies … left and right,
There is no doubt when threatened,
Which bitch will actually bite.
I know I’m not a Lesbian,
Although I’ve known a few,
And I’ve slept with enough women,
To negate that point of view.

But you’d have to cut off more than my hair,
For me to lose my interest in men,
Who generally don’t look my way,
But I have sex now and then.
It’s sometimes lonely when you’re different,
But I’m prepared to pay the price,
Because to lose my individuality,
Would be far too great a sacrifice.

Robyn Scott

[cath 55]

Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.

One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
Who’s not afraid to admit when he is wrong

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn’t wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won’t lose his cool when he’s annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask “How fat is my behind?”

One who’ll make love till my body’s a’ itchin’
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I’ll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it’s too late.

Amen

Author Unknown

[cath 55]

Are You Talking To Me?

“Are you talking to me?” she said passing by
“Yes, you … you … next to the bald-headed guy,
“I think you’re real gorgeous … that flaming red hair
Is exceedingly beautiful and really quite rare.

“I love the way that it curls round your face,
And the way that it seems your ears to embrace,
And the way that it darkens the green of your eyes,
And the way on your cheek that a loose tendril lies.”

She took a deep breath as she paused in her stride,
Her lips slowly parted, her eyes opened wide,
She smiled as she whipped the wig from her head,
“If you like it so much, here, you wear it instead.”

Copyright; Pat Cannard

[cath 55]

I am a little rabbit
a sittin in me hutch
i’m sitting down this end
cos i dont like that end much
im glad tommorows thursday
cos i’m feelin right fed up
do you know why im glad its thursday
thats the day they pass the buck! ;)

[cath 55]

@forumhostpb wrote:

Er …. without wishing to add unnecessarily to this controversy and on a point of accuracy – Pikey’s original post said “cheap mirth” which presumably was the phrase he intended to use.

The infamous JC censor has NOT been at work here.

i stand corrected PB :oops: :wink:

[cath 55]

@pikey wrote:

@*Sian wrote:

Awww me ikkle pikel 8)

Why don’t you start us off? :wink:

Hallo, Runway. You know I’ve always felt it would be a proper pleasure to get you going.

The point is, though, I think, that of course there are things that shouldn’t be joked about. Otherwise we should relegate ourselves to giggling imbeciles. Where’s the nobility in that? Yes, dark humour as a coping mechanism in the face of a personal loss can be valuable but it is entirely different to cheap mirth at someone else’s tragedy. It is disingenuous to link the two. Weren’t people not so far from this thread taking the opportunity to take that Anita chap to task for joking about Frank Lampard’s recent loss? That has to be double standards at the very least, surely.

lol @ the sensorship that turned those words you typed into cheap mirth pikey, well said btw xx

[cath 55]

@cath 55 wrote:

@pats wrote:

@*Sian wrote:

@pikey wrote:

:lol: Given what’s been said, perhaps you’d all like to tell us your best Jamie Bulger jokes, then. There must be some crackers. Or what about the classics about Holly and Jessica? Good old British humour.

Awww me ikkle pikel 8)

Why don’t you start us off? :wink:

an old austrian proverb

women are like a good wine

best left to a mature in a cellar

:-

I dont think everyone should go around glum faced for one minute, however , perhaps some on here are merely suggesting that perhaps this thread is not the place to start a whole string of sick jokes on?

I dont think we have grasped the enormity of this case, a woman has been robbed of 24 years of her life, been subjected to god knows what by a controlling sick freak!! 2 teenagers who have never seen the light of day , one seriously ill, one goodness knows in what psychological state.

The little boy 5 years old , does he stand a chance? or does he stand a chance of reocurring dreams about his mother being abused? i wonder if this sick control freak also abused the teenagers? who knows. all i do know is that a person who can imprison, control, rape, beat his own daughter and keep his own grandchildren prisoner never letting them out even to see daylight is capable of anything.

so when sick jokes are going round, i dont expect any of you for one minute to go around miserable, we all have our own lives to lead, we cannot save the world. TV and films have hardened us to violence , rape, sexual abuse , shootings and general blood and guts, no i really dont expect you to go around miserable with every hard luck story we may hear, but i what would be good would be a little compassion and respect, something this poor woman and her children have probably never ever experienced.

personally i expect a bit of a slamming for this post but you know what? i dont give i f*ck , you may not always agree with what i say , but i defend my right to say it, just as i do yours.

so for my bit i just want to hope that Elisabeth finds some peace and love in her life time.

ok so lets start again.

I wasnt saying that anyones shouldnt make jokes , sure life is for living i was just trying to put into perspective why some were saying that jokes seemed a little innapropriate on this thread. it is a post in the serious thread of the boards and I think one of the points I was trying to make was perhaps we should show a bit of respect for this poor woman and her family.

of course i understand our so called humour, I think some humour is born out a nervous uncomfortable feeling cos most of us dont understand, or to be honest cant grasp the enormity of the situation, i sure as hell cant imagine what sort of ‘life’ this family will ever have again. its going to be a bluddy long road. dont get me wrong , the jokes going arond just now are typical of the ‘british’ sense of humour but as i have already said its not the jokes that are the problem i dont think, its the appropriateness to put them on this particular thread?

as far as jokes go towards people we know and the jokes we tell, my ex sister in law went into hospital , she has MS, she had to have a leg amputated when she came round from the anaesthetic my ex said to her, ‘i dunno sis , let you out of my sight for 2 hours and you come back legless’ ffs!!!!

humour is our safety valve, of course i understand that!!! just read what i put , i didnt set out to inflame or start bluddy world war three, it isnt the jokes in themselves i was merely questioning ; should this type of humour be on this thread!!!! grrrrrrrr @ u lot!!!!!!

I am amazed at some of the responses though, you take a step back you read them, what are you trying to say? some appeared to immediately come out on the defensive when this wasnt at all in anyway a personal attack towards ANYONE!! (dunt ya just hate budding amateur would be psychologists?)

in the immortal words of d/ick emery ( dont any of you say who is d/ick emery lol i know im bluddy old, google it ffs lol) YOU ARE AWFUL BUT I LIKE YOU!!! :roll: :wink:

[cath 55]

@pats wrote:

@*Sian wrote:

@pikey wrote:

:lol: Given what’s been said, perhaps you’d all like to tell us your best Jamie Bulger jokes, then. There must be some crackers. Or what about the classics about Holly and Jessica? Good old British humour.

Awww me ikkle pikel 8)

Why don’t you start us off? :wink:

an old austrian proverb

women are like a good wine

best left to a mature in a cellar

:-

I dont think everyone should go around glum faced for one minute, however , perhaps some on here are merely suggesting that perhaps this thread is not the place to start a whole string of sick jokes on?

I dont think we have grasped the enormity of this case, a woman has been robbed of 24 years of her life, been subjected to god knows what by a controlling sick freak!! 2 teenagers who have never seen the light of day , one seriously ill, one goodness knows in what psychological state.

The little boy 5 years old , does he stand a chance? or does he stand a chance of reocurring dreams about his mother being abused? i wonder if this sick control freak also abused the teenagers? who knows. all i do know is that a person who can imprison, control, rape, beat his own daughter and keep his own grandchildren prisoner never letting them out even to see daylight is capable of anything.

so when sick jokes are going round, i dont expect any of you for one minute to go around miserable, we all have our own lives to lead, we cannot save the world. TV and films have hardened us to violence , rape, sexual abuse , shootings and general blood and guts, no i really dont expect you to go around miserable with every hard luck story we may hear, but i what would be good would be a little compassion and respect, something this poor woman and her children have probably never ever experienced.

personally i expect a bit of a slamming for this post but you know what? i dont give i f*ck , you may not always agree with what i say , but i defend my right to say it, just as i do yours.

so for my bit i just want to hope that Elisabeth finds some peace and love in her life time.

[cath 55]

pink floyd

Two Suns in the Sunset (Waters)

In my rear view mirror the sun is going down
Sinking behind bridges in the road
And I think of all the good things
That we have left undone
And I suffer premonitions
Confirm suspicions
Of the holocaust to come.

The wire that holds the cork
That keeps the anger in
Gives way
And suddenly it’s day again.
The sun is in the east
Even though the day is done.
Two suns in the sunset
Hmmmmmmmmmm
Could be the human race is run.

Like the moment when the brakes lock
And you slide towards the big truck
“Oh no!”
“[scream] Daddy, Daddy!”
You stretch the frozen moments with your fear.
And you’ll never hear their voices
And you’ll never see their faces
You have no recourse to the law anymore.

And as the windshield melts
My tears evaporate
Leaving only charcoal to defend.
Finally I understand the feelings of the few.
Ashes and diamonds
Foe and friend
We were all equal in the end.

“…and now the weather. Tomorrow will be cloudy with scattered showers
spreading from the east … with an expected high of 4000 degrees
Celsius”

[Author]

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