[James Belfast]

You can’t go wrong with this one Dee – suits ALL occasions and the last verse shows it’s suitable for weddings too:

ERNIE (THE FASTEST MILKMAN IN THE WEST)
(Benny Hill)
Benny Hill – 1971

You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun ’round and ’round.
And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22.
They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week.

They called him Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

She said she’d like to bathe in milk, he said, “All right, sweetheart,”
And when he’d finished work one night he loaded up his cart.
He said, “D’you want it pasturize? ‘Cause pasturize is best,”
She says, “Ernie, I’ll be happy if it comes up to my chest.”

That tickled old Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker’s van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.

She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, “If you treat me right,
You’ll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night.”
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he’d have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

One lunch time Ted saw Ernie’s horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four.
And as he lept down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie’s cart and didn’t half kick his ‘orse.

Whose name was Trigger, (Triggerrrrrrrr)
And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west.

Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,
He said, “If you wanna marry Susie you’ll fight for her like a man.”
“Oh why don’t we play cards for her?” he sneeringly replied,
“And just to make it interesting we’ll have a shilling on the side.”

Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But Ernie was too quick, things didn’t go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand.

Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
And Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart.
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust.

Poor Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

Ernie was only 52, he didn’t wanna die,
And now he’s gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And the milkman’s life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land.

But a woman’s needs are many fold and soon she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie’s ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

They won’t forget Ernie, (Ernieeeeeeeeee)
And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.

[James Belfast]

Were they male lions or female lions? If they were male then it means you have insecurities and you have been trying to hide from them but the fact that you couldn’t close the door means that you now can’t keep running and it’s time to confront the situation. The glass indicates that you can no longer hide your insecurities from those around you as people (probably your husband) can see through your pretence, probably just by looking in your eyes. If they were female lions it means you are a lezzer.

Why doesn’t anyone ever have normal dreams like doing the washing-up (or do the mad wifey’s say that means something too)?

[James Belfast]

Well if you live in Glasgow, it starts at Inverness.

[James Belfast]

:) :)

My son was born in England and wasn’t sure which team to support when England and Scotland met in the 2004(?) play offs. He would be watching with his friends at school in York and I advised him to support the home team in both matches. What happened? England won in Glasgow, Scotland won at Wembley. Poor lad – he sticks to Rugby now!

[James Belfast]

Many Happy Returns Cath xxx Hope you had a great day!!!!!!!

[James Belfast]

@Mr Amphibian wrote:

@kevin wrote:

good replys guys
my myopic view is an english mans garden is his castle
if i put a sign up say all entrants run the possibility of been shot
i will naturally put it up in pigeon english
that will save me from any form of litigation
surely the treason act covers me
i just want to end a possible coo

You can’t shoot coos, you need to kill them humanely by sticking a bolt through their brain – tell the farmer to put up one of those electic fences that everyone wants to touch to see if they really are ‘live’ but daren’t – that’ll keep them out of your garden. And the sign will need to be in esperanto as the pigeons might be from anywhere in the EC so pigeon English would not suffice. Now we are getting into the area of European Law which is not really my speciality tbh.

[James Belfast]

Hope yopu enjoy the matches Drivel. If you see that wee coont Rooney stand on his toe for us eh? Are we going to be told who we have in the sweep cos I don’t know whether to cheer on the wee slitty-eyed, yellow-faced footballers or the huge, cumbersome black chappies and I would hate to be seen cheering for the wrong team like Alan Hansen!

[James Belfast]

I personally fear the number 629 but there is no term for that as far as I am aware.

[James Belfast]

I knew that :wink:

[James Belfast]

@Mr Amphibian wrote:

Wasn’t there a case where a guy shot a bat in the back (because he was robbing him) and got sent to prison for it?
Or am I confusing a bat with a Jehovas Witness?

Worse! You’re thinking of a Jehovas Burglar. And he wouldn’t have died if his accomplice hadn’t refused to let him have a blood transfusion – that’s why that Tony watsisname bloke got a light sentence. He would have been in the shyte if he had shot a bat.

[Author]

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