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muddled ! how DARE you ! :o :o
see ye in Daws bar, and we can arm wrestle to who buys the first roond !
@pats wrote:
chanelle has left the building………… :lol: :lol: :-({|= :D/
thank christ..! my jaw will reset itself..in time (allegedly),from 7 weeks of teeth grinding at her mere presence !
hope they put david and amy in tonight,,,
No lucky but you May buy me a drink upon my return to Glasgow in 2 weeks time !
whoo hoo !
Oh, what a pity, Charley has gone. (Blows snotty tears into cardigan sleeve.) Oh, how I shall miss her! How I long to hear her clacking football-rattle gob again. And watch her gurn at mirrors, beholding her own ferrety reflection.
But alas, she is gone! Off she did trot in her little cavewoman’s outfit. Trot trot trot – blow kiss – trot trot trot – gurn for cameras – pull cavewoman skirt over ass cheeks – rearrange weave – trot trot trot – into Davina’s arms. Her best mate Davina, who says she is unique.
All the time the crowd were making a similar noise to what the new Wembley might sound like if Osama Bin Laden was brought on as a sub in the FA Cup.
“Boooooooooooo!” hissed the throng. “We love you, Charley!” is what Charley heard. I poured a large gin and tonic and felt very content. I never have to write about her again. If they stick Charley in the next I’m a Celebrity… or Celebrity BB, I’ll not watch it. I’ve seen what this one-trick pony can do.
Ziggy, Brian and Liam couldn’t hide their glee as Charley left. Gerry had a little weep, which just made things more amusing. “Sheeeizonly-21! Eet iz sad. Only 21! Eet not her fault,” said Gerry, as Liam et al giggled.
Wow, remember when 21 was an age when you were classed as an adult in charge of your own mind? Now you can act like the twins, or like Danielle Lloyd, or like Nicole Richie, or like Chunnelgob and people will say, “Oooh, give her a break, she is just a lickle girl! She is still learning.”
Sometimes I wish I lived in the good old days, where if you couldn’t boil an egg and put a pillow inside a pillowcase by the age of 17 your entire family would elect to lock you in the attic, feed you meals on a tray, snip you out of family portraits and pretend you didn’t exist.
So then, we meet five new housemates who are going to live in a “halfway house” next door to the main house. The halfway house isn’t remotely secret this time as last year Big Brother made the partitions from lolly-sticks, candyfloss and pixies’ breath, then wondered why Nikki and Aisleyne could hear Jayne Kitt burping and farting and scratching her downstairs porch from 100 feet away.
Saying that, after seeing the halfway housemates, I think I’d actually rather be locked up with Jayne Kitt. The newbies are:
Amy, 21, a glamour model
Well, she says she’s a glamour model. It later transpires she does mostly “promotions”, ie she stands around car shows freezing her ass off in a thong bikini, fielding sexist, creepy comments from men all day, and handing out flyers about fog lamps.
As Mary Wollstonecraft burned the midnight oil in 1787 penning her Thoughts on the Education of Daughters, I’m sure this was the sort of progress she had in mind.
Amy isn’t wearing any clothes. Well, she’s wearing knickers and a small jacket. Maybe she’s so dim she doesn’t know that getting dressed requires a variety of different garments put on in a traditional order, typically finishing with a skirt or trousers?
Maybe she is so insecure about her powers of conversation that being near nude is the only time she feels confident people will notice her?
Jonty, 36, a museum visitor assistant
Oh, crivvens, what a deeply unsettling man Jonty is. Everything about Jonty’s persona screams “Run away, run away!” Jonty turns up in a smoking jacket clutching his teddy bears, looking like the sort of man who would move into your street prompting people from the local estate to form angry lynch mobs and paint rude things on the backs of cornflakes packets for their kids to wave at Sky News.
Jonty does that adult-baby sort of thing, waving “Monketytonkety” and “Kiki” and doing silly voices, then talking about going to S&M gatherings where he gets “a good spanking”, and generally making me want to scattergun my lounge with half-digested Kettle chips.
Anyone who has half a hankering to go to naughty, illicit gatherings where people do rude stuff to each other should be reminded that you won’t find the cast of Hollyoaks there writhing around smearing each other in mango body butter. They’ll find people like Jonty, sitting on the stairs with sweat forming on the top of his bald head, talking to his bears, waiting for “a good spanking” (paragraph curtailed owing to columnist retching into toilet until white froth comes out of her eye sockets).
Shanessa, 27, a part-time care worker
Why can’t she work full time? Is full-time work only for weirdos like me? What does she do the rest of the time? Work on her look, which is a cross between Janice Battersby and a Magic Troll, in a Walthamstow market version of something J-Lo might have worn in 2001? And why put that on if you’ve got National Geographic boobs with nipples down by your navel? And why call yourself “dirty” on national TV? Have you no respect? I’ve seen classier women wrestling in taxi queues in Swansea while their mates hold their chips.
Oh, hang on, news just in says that Shanessa is also a stripper. Does that mean she works in a strip club? Or does she just get her scones out uninvited in bars, then people pay her to stuff them away? I’m sure I’ve seen Shanessa before, actually. Or maybe I’m getting her mixed up with the sort of women you see in Razzle’s readers’ wives section, with one foot up on her kitchen work surface and her ankle chain resting on a tin of marrowfat peas.
David, 25, manager for a high-street store
I quite like David. He’s calm and clever and reminds me a little bit of Billy MacKenzie from The Associates. He takes me back to the time I lived in Scotland, and reminds me of the dry humour and the ever-present wicked twinkle a lot of my friends have in their eyes. Sigh.
Brian doesn’t like David as he thinks David is rude. Apparently David doesn’t listen to Brian when he’s talking. Or more accurately, when everyone else is talking and Brian is shouting, “Noooooooooo! Shatapppshatap shat ap!” To Brian this is conversation.
David has messed up his chances of entering the house by indulging Gerry in talking about moooseumanart. And by mentioning he’s into Wicca. The twins think this is something a futon you might buy in Ikea is made of. Carole has no doubt practised it herself. Gerry doesn’t care whether David says that he worships Satan and all his merry goblins, because David is sort of hot and Gerry is sort of horny.
Kara-Louise, 21, student
“I smile all the time and it doesn’t mean anything,” she says, smiling. This is the most interesting thing she has said in 48 hours. There are mannequins in Top Shop’s window who are more worthy of primetime national television exposure than this woman.
Bring back Charley!
GRACE DENTS latest…
p.s she is out now…! walked out in a hissy fit yet again !
nah ya be ok Pats,,it was just my auld erse they were gunning for methinks :)
and thanks cath x
@sunny wrote:
Channle aint gone :shock: :shock: :shock:
They have talked her into staying till tuesday FFS why WHY WHY WHY
grrr she is in and out like a Nun in a cucumber patch ! I think if they bring Amy in tomorrow she will defo leave !
loved the alfie vid PATS :)
^^^ sexy Inverness bint !
oh change the bloody record Ann Chovie..! I mean, even her rendition of “like a turnip,,neeped for the very first time” is preferable !
and if you had romanian burning lug syndrome,I was at daughters tonight and was telling her of our love of all things rustic.!
laugh ! ? we nearly booked a fortnight in Budapest !
a good wee night though ;) followed by some improvised dirindl swirling !
hey hoyski Lets goski…
