rusty trawler

Dear Ms/Mizz/Mrs/Madam Jen Jen

Please forgive my gauche salutations. The British postal system is not that which it once was, and by the time this letter reaches you it is entirely conceivable that my manservant may have been convinced to join the esteemed institution of matrimony. Indeed, after having finalised his severance package, I fear he…[Read more]

@cheekylittleminx wrote:

Seems like everyone is withdrawing their application hmmmmm well i wont be …. now maybe just maybe i might be in with a chance of being mr trawlers valentine date im keeping my fingers crossed :) waits with baited breath :shock: :?

Hello CheekyLittleMinx

How very perceptive of you, it does indeed seem that now,…[Read more]

float

Dear Mrs Jen Jen

Many thanks for your letter

I’m loath to accept that the providence of our unexpected encounter in the Grand Lobby of the Forum Three Hotel is to be short-lived. As your letter alludes to the purple prose of my correspondence with other ladies, you will understand it was inevitable that I would vaingloriously surmise the s…[Read more]

@thistLe-fem-1964 wrote:

do what most would do pick them all and hope that they dont tell each other lol

Lol ThistLe,

I could pick them all because once a lassie has agreed to go on a date with me, for some peculiar reason she has always chosen to keep quite about it.

@Nicey wrote:

Well .. what can I say?
I am surprised and delighted to achieve this award :o :D
I never expected it at all and it comes as a great shock.
I would like to thank one or two people, but don’t worry, I will keep it short sniff

I must thank my family, without whom none of this would have been possible –
my mum and dad who h…

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@cheekylittleminx wrote:

hmmmmm sorry about that danny glad u knew what i meant lol think the lovely rusty has gone underground hes abandoned his post hahahaha …….tut tut

Hey Cheeky,

I hadn’t abandoned the thread. I think it has died a natural death. There’s only so long a time you can flog a joke.

@sceptical guy wrote:

@rusty trawler wrote:

@Sgt Pepper wrote:

THE IMPOSSIBLE

Highly Recommended.

THE IMPOSSIBLE is currently on release in cinemas.

Great review, Brother Scep.

In case anyone didn’t notice, the review was written by Pepperpot, not by Brother Scep lol

Maybe he’ll write a review of Lincoln, the Steven Spielberg movie just out.…

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@kent f OBE wrote:

My son has just finished filming 3 days for a film (she says in a bragging proud mother voice) :lol:
The way he goes on about it (and the way I go on about it) you would think hes the Brad Pitt of the movie but alas he is an extra, who does interact with the main characters though.
It’s a british spoof comedy called Hooligan…

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@Sgt Pepper wrote:

THE IMPOSSIBLE

Highly Recommended.

THE IMPOSSIBLE is currently on release in cinemas.

Great review, Brother Scep.

I’m not a man of religious faith, and I know forgiveness is a basic tenet of many religions, so it’s hard for me to think about how I would react under such circumstances. However I don’t think I’d be able to forgive something like this.

The ability to forgive might be seen as having tremendous strength of character, and I can see why. As much as…[Read more]

@kent f OBE wrote:

Dear Lusy Caller

I would like to inform you that I am no longer at a loose end on Valentines Day (well the 16th due to a holiday), so would like to withdraw my application/desparate (begging) letter. Thank you for taking time out to read it.

Yours (might be at a loose end next year and could be desparate again)

Kenty xx

Dear…[Read more]

@Mrs_Teapot wrote:

Well by Rusty’s own admission I’m out of the picture… but I wondered who is the lucky Valentines girl? (or should I say victim) and tell us Rusty how you gonna sweep her off her feet and melt her heart? I was thinking what would the ideal date be?… how about…..

An evening in Paris. Moonlight, a Champagne dinner at Maxims…

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Dear Lucy,

Many thanks for your application.

It behoves me to warn you that for a man of temperance alcohol, prophylactics and chocolate are a perilous combination, but I like the cut of your jib – and the Rohypnol will act as a suitable preventative and also mask the memory of any nefarious activities we may eventually engage in.

Yours a…[Read more]

@Wordsworth60 wrote:

@rusty trawler wrote:

. . . . . . unscrupulous men that frequent the JC Gentleman’s Club. . . . . . .

Dear Brother Trawler

These allegations are quite serious. While the club maintains a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on most personal issues, please raise any matters affecting personal safety or public reputation w…

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@Nicey wrote:

Dear Crusty Brawler,
I may be interested in your offer of chocolate this February (being innocent, I am not sure what “jiggy” involves).
My qualifications and experience are as follows:
Qualifications
* expert with a notebook and pencil (which I am fond of licking)
* ample curvaceous assets
Experience
* I turn up naked and bring…

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Dear Miss Taffy,

What a pleasant surprise to receive an application from the other side of the pond.

Was it our Winston Churchill or your Teddy Roosevelt who said that England and America are countries separated by a common language? Who cares, because fortunately I’m fully conversant in the international language of luuuuuuuuurve, so w…[Read more]

Dear Mrs Teapot

Whilst the idea of engaging in a torrid affair with a gangster’s moll is initially very appealing, I’m a veritable coward.

My man servant is no match for the Mr Teapot’s motley gang, and quite frankly I don’t think I’ll be able to secure his services for much longer; the tenor of my recent correspondences seemed to have inspired…[Read more]

@Mrs_Teapot wrote:

Dear Mr Trawler & Miss jenjen

It’s a well known fact that when a Yorkshire man is annoyed, their response is typically a tut followed by: “…I’m gonna write a letter.” This is that letter!

It has shocked me to the core that you dare to draw attention to my clandestine pursuits, and what business it of yours how I make my m…

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Dear Mr Trawler,

Dear Jen,

I’m eternally relieved that my recent appeal has to some extent assuaged your doubts and I cannot disguise the blithe smile upon my countenance as I read that your assets remain ample in proportion.

You will, indeed, have noticed that I now feel sufficiently enabled to dispense with the formality of my previous s…[Read more]