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Booted
you’re not dagger are you ?
@pats wrote:
so now everyone is falling out over a thread started by someone no one knows concerning someone no one knows either. fookin priceless !!!!
innit pats !
My bit was brilliant, relevant and on topic though. Which is why I’m licking a finger and totally rubbing my favourite nipple.
: o )
@pete wrote:
I wont bother watching it now
Lois: What’s going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we’re playing house.
Lois: That boy’s all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski’s houseFuture Stewie: That’s never happened to me before.
Girlfriend: What, the 8 seconds of sex or the 40 minutes of crying?
Future Stewie: BothPeter: I don’t say this often enough, but, uh, I’m gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You’re washing a baby’s hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.
Stewie: I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.
Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence … gotta get me some of that.
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that’s tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.Stewie: Nothing says “Obey Me” like a bloody head on a fence post!
Stewie (reading the Bible)” My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I’ll say, you won’t find that in Winnie the Pooh.
Stewie: Oh yes, you have a lot to think about: public drunkenness, grand theft auto…
Brian: You forgot the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
Stewie: I don’t remember-
Brian: (Slams on brakes, causing Stewie to fly forward into windshield)
Stewie: Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it’s just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!
@cath 55 wrote:
are ya a grumpy puppy today toy?
Not while this programme is on the box cath. With the fantastic Stewie Griffin…….how many talking babies do you know who are bent on world domination and matricide ? A very original and perfectly realised creation…..
Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland’s house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Meg (about Peter being retarded): I can never go to school again!
Stewie: Oh, yes, Meg, yes-yes yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not your years of grotesque appearance, or your awkward social graces, or that Felix Ungerish way you clear your sinuses, no no no, it’s THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.Guy on Airplane: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie: What did you just say?
Lois: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie: Pipe down Lois. (Slaps guy on head.) Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can’t hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you’re my bi.tch.Lois: Oh, I haven’t been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells.Stewie: It wasn’t even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, ‘My God wouldn’t it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?’
(Lois finds a note in Chris’s pocket)
Lois: Huh, what’s this? You know Stewie, Mommy doesn’t usually read things out of Chris’s pocket. She’s more respectful than that.
Stewie: Whatever helps you sleep at night, bit.ch.Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I’m expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Stewie: Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total bi.tch.
Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.
Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris’ room. Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris’ bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That’s right, I’m your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don’t talk, Lois, don’t talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah…now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs…running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It’s Chris!! Uhh…Uhh…So, uhh…How ya doin’? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin’. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?Stewie’s Letter: Dear stupid dog, I’ve gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I’m probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I’m sure if you make a fuss they’ll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It’s actually not a horrible sweater. It’s… It’s just I can’t imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I’m not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I’ll find the garment it goes to and then it’ll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I’m actually going to take the sweater.Stewie: Uh you’ve reached stewie and brian, we’re not here right now, uh and if this is mom, uh send money because we’re college students and we need money for books…and highlighters…and…. noodles…and condoms, for sexual relations with our classmates.
Stewie: Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I’ll give you a hint. It’s in my diaper and it’s not a toaster.
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that’s funny! That’s really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I’ve, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that’s what she says on the show right? Isn’t it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you’ve taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That’s so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we’re hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you’re so funny!Lois: I’m gonna go get some oranges Stewie. Here, hold the rest of these bags for mommy.”
Stewie: Oh, what brilliant parenting Lois. Leave a tiny infant with a plastic bag. You know I might asphyxiate myself just to teach you a lesson. Here I go. Just like that boy from INXS..(Stewie tries to put bag over top of his head.)
Stewie: I’m going to do it! (Tries to put bag over left side of his head then climbs into it and tries pulling it over his head.)
Stewie: BLAST! Good Lord Lois, either I was a c-section, or you’re Wonder Woman!Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!
I was under the impression the name of the show was “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” not “Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.”Lois: Stewie why don’t you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don’t you burn in hell?Stewie (talking on Sesame Street phone): Put me through to the Pentagon!
Quagmire (with a trashy girl on his arm): Hang around little guy, I’ll be back later (he winks).
Stewie: Oh very well. I suppose I’ll go and pump the chemical toilet. (Eyes the trashy girl.) apparently, you’re about to do the same.Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don’t be afraid. It’s just water, it’s not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it’s not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn’t have to bite you!– Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirise it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
– The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can’t fake it… try to fake three laughs in an hour – ha ha ha ha ha – they’ll take you away, man. You can’t.
– Last week 100 people died in Vietnam but on our U.S highways 170 people died……Let’s just build cars and freeways in Vietnam.
– When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.
– If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
– I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
– A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’….. I dunno, it was one of those parties got out of hand, you know.
– The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
– Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time…they’re gone.
– Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
– I really dig what they do with a homosexual in this country. They put him into a prison with a lot of other men. That’s a really good punishment.
Once upon a time, in a forest, a lioness, a cheetah and an antelope came together after a long journey, and decided to confess their sins to each other.
As Queen of the Forest, the lioness was the first. She told the others that, once, after she had finished off a big buck, a zebra came by. “It looked so sleek and tender,” she said, “that I couldn’t resist pouncing.” But she was too full to eat it ! “I had wantonly dispatched a fellow beast for no purpose,” she said regretfully.
The cheetah reassured her. “Why should you, Queen of the Forest, be remorseful about the skill that has made you the greatest hunter of us all ? You are to be forgiven.” Then the cheetah told how, one day, he had spied a fat ewe and her two lambs. Hungrily he had pounced on the nearest lamb, but the mother had begged him to spare the remaining lamb and eat her instead. “I agreed,” the cheetah said, “but I was so hungry I then ate the ewe and the other lamb too!”
Even though she was a mother herself, the lioness forgave the cheetah since he was so beautiful, sleek and strong. Then they turned to the antelope. But the humble beast could think of nothing he had done wrong. “Come now,” they said, “we are all mortals, surely there must be something that troubles your conscience?”
The antelope thought for a moment and answered that, once, after walking all day along a hot desert trail, he had spied a clump of grass. Famished, he stopped and ate it.
The lioness and the cheetah looked at each other in disgust. “You have committed an unpardonable crime and do not deserve to live,” they growled. And they pounced on the antelope and devoured him.
when you girls learn how to quote you’ll be lethal
