Chemical Dependancy

As a new directive at work we’ve been asked to take part in a new medical trial which is aimed at testing our school children for the usage of recreational drugs. To this aim I was chosen as part of a Beta group and was happy to help.

Our works Nurse arranged the test and yesterday I went to see her expecting to be asked for a urine sample. She explained that this new test uses a seminal fluid sample and gave me a small jar and asked me to bring it back today for analysis. Well I was a little shocked but also a little pleased that she thought I could come up with the goods if you’ll excuse the pun; and with a red face I left medical room.

Well this morning I went back for my 9.30 a. m. appointment and sheepishly handed over the specimen jar, she took one look at it and asked why it was still empty. I explained that I had tried to comply with her request. I had tried with my right hand before switching to my left and hearing me strain in the bathroom my girlfriend Fiona had offered to help and eagerly came to my aid. She tried energetically with both her hands before even trying with her mouth, now that usually works but on this occasion it failed. Now whether it was the urgency of the situation we’ll never know but she suggested that her next door neighbour Mrs. Janoski was good at these sort of things and ran next door to fetch her. Mrs. Janoski came in prepared wearing a pair of rubber gloves which she assured me had always worked when her husband had needed such help; she gave it a few tugs, even tried placing it in her armpit which made a rude noise. She next tried it between her thighs gripping it tightly enough to slightly squash it. Her last effort was to try her mouth, she held it in her teeth in and moved as vigourously as a seventy year old can before turning her back and removing her teeth for a last ditch effort. It was then that we gave up; the exertion had taken its toll. I was worn out at that stage. The Nurse was visibly shocked at my explanation and exclaimed “you couldn’t do it and even asked an old woman to help you, you should be ashamed of yourself I’ve never heard anything so base in all my time in the medical profession”.
I had to agree with her, I was truly embarrassed, whether it was nerves I’ll never know. But I asked her whether I could try again, but this time with a jar without a childproof cap.