REVIEW OF THE (HEATWAVE) WEEK

Bring me Sunshine…

This week saw the highest ever July temperatures in UK. This was not a freak but the continuation of a trend and indicative of global warming. I have warned about global warming for some months now but nobody seems to be listening. In a few years time, Scotland is going to have dry, warm weather like Londoners have always been used to. Londoners will be suffering scorching weather a la the South of France. Crops and wildlife will migrate Northwards and we will grow grapes instead of apples; corn instead of barley. I welcome these changes and I am looking forward to sitting in the sunshine on the pavement cafes of Grimsby trying to keep giant continental wasps out of my glass of Newcastle Beaujolais. However, there is one potential problem that merits early attention. Scotland will become swamped with millions of exiled Londoners scrambling North to escape plagues of frogs, snails and erm … onions. I fear the worst – Scots get terribly tetchy if the thermometer ever gets above 70F and a tetchy Scot is a dangerous Scot, particularly if a Londoner opens his mouth within earshot. All hell is likely to break loose. There seems little point trying to teach Londoners to speak Gaelic (they don’t even speak English after all, choosing to rely upon their incomprehensible ‘cockney’ gibberish) but with Bush and Co refusing to follow the terms of the Kyoto agreement, something has to be done if we don’t want to make a complete James Hunt of it.

The rest of this Review of the Week can be found on my brand new blog!! pm me if you want the addy.