REVIEW OF THE (WORLD CUP) WEEK – PART ZWEI

TALL ORDER

As expected, our useless footballers have returned home empty-handed; the hopes of a nation dashed via a series of dismal efforts. We need to face some harsh facts. Our players were simply not tall enough to play Sven’s ingenious ‘long-ball’ style of play, which promised so much success for England this year. Apart from Peter ‘Bambi on Ice’ Crouch (6’7”), we had no-one to “boot the ball” up to to enact the “see if we get something on it” plan – the lynchpin of Sven’s exciting new philosophy. As I see it, English Football has two options: either we introduce a minimum height restriction on all future England squads or we try to teach youngsters to ‘run’, ‘shoot’, ‘tackle’ and ‘cross’. It would be criminal if all Sven’s ideology was simply disposed of but we shouldn’t be surprised if that were the case. Given their track record, the FA will no doubt decide to stick with their useless football acadamies.

LUCKY MASCOT

Despite the almost weekly reruns (in glorious Technicolor tm) of the 1966 World Cup Final, it seems the important lessons learned from that match have been forgotten. By having trainers on the pitch to stretch or ‘tug’ the players’ legs before extra-time commenced, the players of ’66 were able “reach new heights” and this is why they beat the Germans. England mascot Theo Walcott (5’3”) spent an inordinate amount of time on the side of the pitch doing stretching exercises but, without specialist leg-tuggers, he was never going to get himself up to the required height in time for the Final. Had the physios kept records since 1966, Sven could have worked this out and taken a taller forward instead of young Theo. Walcott remains one for the future and, if he sticks to the programme specially designed for him by team doctors, he should reach his target of 6’8” by 2014. In the meantime, his fairytale inclusion in the 2006 squad seems to have provided hope and inspiration for millions of vertically-challenged kids in England. In bedrooms throughout the land, teenage boys are spending more and more of their spare time behind closed doors, ‘tugging’ away.

FINAL WORD

So the Final, as expected, will be between two teams playing old-fashioned 4-4-2 and likely to be dogged throughout by quick counter-attacks, timely tackling and powerful shooting – not what the average British fan wants to see but such is the way of the continentals I suppose; they seem to be happy as long as they get results. If it all gets too beautiful, we can always change channels and watch the Men’s tennis final at Wimbledon. This will almost certainly be between the Number 1 and Number 2 seeds. It always amazes me why they bother having a two-week outdoor tournament, frequently interrupted by the unpredictable English weather, when they could simply start the tournament at the semi-final stage and get it all over with in a couple of days. On an equality issue, I am all for the winner of the Schoolgirl’s Grunting Competition receiving the same amount of cash as the Men’s Tennis Champion. In fact I think we should take it further. I don’t see why the poor schoolgirls are made to traipse all the way to Wimbledon to collect their money – why can’t they stay at home and Wimbledon officials could simply send the money to whoever is Number 1 seed by Paypal? Then we wouldn’t have to suffer watching their rubbish tennis and the girls could focus on their equivalent of their GCSEs – everyone wins!