"Stalking The Moors etc" The Final Chapter

The Final Chapter

Jokecliffe and UpThe_A(x)ante travelled back to the hovel singing along

to ” aggaaaa dooooo doooo doooo push pineapple shake the tree…”

” zante, stop licking Precious and pass me my lemon bonbons…” He wondered if he should get some ribs removed as well…

” should i chew one up for you master as usual ? “

” yes, but dont suck all the zing out “

UpThe_A(x)ante passed Joke a half chewed lemon bonbon, and got a glimpse of Jokes nipple rings,

he adjusted his tight, hot pink shorts.

Meanwhile Quirky_Stench had got the bike up to 25mph and was enjoying the throbbing between his legs,

it had been a long time ..

The Bluebottle sat in the sidecar, finishing his nailvarnish remover and daydreaming of Blonde,

In the lobby everyone had theories on who Coathanger could be.

‘Clare_Dont_Dare_Me’ was flicking through ‘ Brides Monthly’ and keeping an eye on the door.

‘Val_Doonican_of_Durham’ said ” well, I dont think these stories are very funny, they are boring me now,

I’ve read 5 chapters and I have’nt been mentioned once !

‘MohammadAli_of_wiltshire bounded into the room in her,

* wherever youve been/seen/know/think/do,,Ive been/seen/know/think/do…better T Shirt*..and said,

” Hi everyone xxxx ‘Oy vey’ ‘Oy vey’ , cant stop sweeties, im off to do something much better than any of you ever do,

and make some chicken noodle soup. Bye sweeties xxxx Mazel Tov !!! “

An unknown chatter called ‘Squidgey’ came in and eyed up the user list.

Immediately ‘mad_divint-foook_aboot’ shouted ” knob alerrrrt !!!!”

The whole room then chanted ” namechanger ! namechanger ” till squidgey left.

‘Thick_Slice’ said ” I know who Coathanger is ….

its deffo Rosepetal aka LD aka Bob aka Tom aka Dick aka Harry aka Dame Edna Everage, Ive had her too.”

” thats a HIM, Thick ” said an unknown name

” ahhhh Cr@p ” muttered Thick

‘QueenB_of_Orange’ said she thought it was Joker himself typing, because he was such a good sport and so witty.

The men in whitecoats then arrived with a straight jacket and carted her off.

Bornfree_2_poo was so scared she’d miss any action, she was sat on a commode, resolving not to move for 24hrs !

Teacosy_hat_male said he knew who it was but couldnt remember the name,

or even what his own name was, and wandered off looking for a traffic cone to chuck.

Knitting_my_Curtains’ said ” i dont give a toffee who it is, but if i dont find out soon i’ll burst my bloomers ! “,

then she went back to knitting her effigy of Thick_Slice,

she had the crotchet hooks at the ready ” reject me will you…we’ll see about that !! ” she muttered..

‘VeryImportantPeanut’ said ” brb and back ” so often he forgot who he was in and out of.

Back in the hovel Jokecliff was in high spirits. He was feeding Mummy some cold ‘Ye Olde Oak’ hotdogs, as a treat,

whilst singing ” dem bones, dem bones, dem dry bones ……. “

UpThe_A(x)ante regretted eating the raw liver

and was crawling quickly past the derelict remains of a WW2 helicopter,

to the fly covered bucket in the barn known as the toilet.

Quirky_Stench flipped open the roof of his sidecar

and kicked the barely concious alkiarse out at the abattoir whilst still moving.

” bye knob ” he muttered

Alkiarse dragged himself down to his basment and went to his PC,

if he found out who Coathanger was maybe Blonde would love him.

He stroked his long greasy hair back behind his pointy ears,

removed a dead fly from the dregs of last nights glass of cheap plonk, took a long gulp, logged on.

Alkiarse entered the lobby…

After saying hello quite nicely to people, suddenly Mr Hyde popped out, and he blurted ” beast ” at Blonde.

” Godammit” he thought ” must control it, say something clever..”

” This story of Coathangers, its all Plagarism !! Every single word in that story has been used before !! “

Even ‘SoonMadcow ‘ saw the stupidity of this statement

and shouted ” Alkiharsh…hic,,,,you &&**%%$$$$ co** &%** go and **%%*** yaself hic … “

Jokecliff phoned Quirky_Stench ” Log in now, were going in for a full frontal ! “

” Lobotomy? ” asked Stench

” Attack you idiot ! “

Jokecliff and Quirky_Stench entered the lobby

‘CherrypiesXXXL’ shouted ” Stenchyyyyyyyyyyyyy#xxxxxxx#xxxxxx wre have you beeeeeeeeeeen did u missd meeezxxxxxxx”

Jokecliff said ” QS mate, Can You Keep The Mental bint under control”

Quirky_Stench went bright red !!

Jokecliff glanced round the room, all were quiet, then he realised that most of the regs,

were wearing ‘The Hoff’ T Shirts!!! ,

except for ‘ValDoonican_of_Durham’,

who was in a brown cardigan with worn leather elbow patches and was reading The Cosmopolitan,

to find out if it was really true that women could indeed pleasure themselves using their fingers, ” well ya live and learn…”

Jokecliff felt a lump growing………………. in his throat, ” how cruel these chatters could be ….”

The atmospehere in the room changed suddenly

‘Mad_Divint_fook_About’ flashed her Fannyy the wonderdog in excitement

A tumbleweed rolled across the room ..

Someone played music from a spagetti western…

Coathanger strolled in wearing a Black dusty stetson, a Poncho, tight jeans, cowboy boots

with spurs and was chewing on a cheeroot.

‘Clare_Dont_Dare_Me’ quickly shoved some chicken fillets down her bra and said ” hi Mrrr Coat xxxx “

Coathanger gave her a dazzling smile, and she fell off her chair, flashing her oldest grey knickers by accident.

” feck” she muttered…

” youve been a very naughty boy Jokecliff have’nt you …” said Coathanger….

” bullying ladies, pasting mobile numbers and addresses in main room,

spreading nasty rumours, playing with zantes ‘precious’ when he’s asleep, tut tut …. “

Jokecliff felt his bottom hole twitching …. he faintly recognised the voice from somewhere in his distant past…

the voice belonged to someone who terrified him,

” oh is that the kettle boiling..? ” he said and tried to slide out the lobby.

” not so fast Jokey” said Coat, grabbing Jokes nipple rings and twisting hard.

Jokecliff yelped, ” dont hurt me, Im sorry, Im sorry !! “

” its not me you should be grovelling to…. “

Jokecliff fell to his knee’s…. blubbering ..

” im sorry blonde, Im sorry claire, Im sorry Born, I am a snivelling, bullying, rancid, wretch of a man

who takes out my ‘frustration’ on anyone who dares to reject or disagree with me ….”

Coathanger dragged Jokecliff towards the door by his earlobe ….

but before leaving, turned to the room and took his hat off.

Revealed were the peircing eyes, the rugged chin, a slight stubble, and a hint of a smile …..yes

It Was……..

Good Old Aunty Audrey from Skegness ….

Sorry folks see you all soon

The End