The Nativity Play Rehersals

The rehearsals were under way in the Real World of JC. Over the tannoy the tune to “Away in a manger” was playing……. MinnieClaireWales and Mariapizzeria both had microphones and started to sing ……..

”Away in a manger no sh@g for thin ice, the donkey’s gone bonkers and now it’s got lice. The cattle are queuing for a piece of the ice but Bomber’s got him locked up and we think he’s nice.”

Helen of France and Penny who were in charge of directing both rugby tackled the Welsh Baritone and the Hampshire Harpette and took their microphones away.

“Right Bolton Bomber, I won’t tell you again” Penny shouted at Blonde, who was pretending not to hear her. “Get on the bloody donkey and start your journey to Bethlehem, or I am putting Annetteknittingthecurtain on it and she can be Mary.”

Annetteknittingthecurtain dropped a stitch and looked at the donkey, “there is no bliddy way I am going near that” she muttered. Thin ice no dice grabbed the Bolton Bomber by her riding breaches and shoved her on the donkey before she had chance to say “I am not going on the donkey it’s not been ridden in twelve years!!”

The two stags, whatajoke and jimmydoowopado were still eyeing each other up for a battle. Whatajoke had taken time off to meet his adoring ladies but without his 30 year old photo superglued to his head no one recognised him so he had reluctantly gone back to his stag head and was making threatening shakes at jimmydoowopado with his hoof.

Jimmydoowopado was casually smoking a cigar with one hoof and chopping the head off the pantomime horse with the other, “ This will be the first and last head you get in your bed once I have finished with you” Jimmy sneered at Whatajoke, who just shook his hoof at him.

MaturemalemovingtoSuffolk had cleared his throat and was just about to launch into the beautiful story of how Mary was riding to Bethleham on the donkey when a doc martin flew past his head and landed on the stage behind him. The doc martin was closely followed by jadey who thought that she had seen Jodac in the corner pretending to be a chicken. The chicken was actually a turkey. Woodie, having given up with his Christmas tree outfit had managed to get the last fancy dress costume and was gobbling his way around the stage trying to blend in with punch and judy the sheep. Punch was warning woodie off, “Judy is not allowed near any turkeys now shooo, that’s the way to do it.” The turkey gobbled a bit flapped his wings and Punch hid behind Judy.

The angles were fighting. Mrs Teapot, thinking she was helping had caused the biggest fight in the Real World of JC since MinnieClaireWales and QueenBiatch fell out. No one was even prepared to try on the knitted dress she had found, Tinks wanted the Cinderella one, Angelturnedtodust wanted a pink one with roses, daffodils, tulips ruddy cupids flipping love hearts, a real life working fish tank built into the bodice and wanted a tiara instead of a halo and Maxie, wanted the red one. FizzieLizzie, looby, losty, non-welsh, nice-fem and daisydot had played nicely for five minutes, then when the tiara came out all hell broke loose. In the end just as non-welsh was dangling losty from her ankles, it was left to Helen of France, to recruit catlady as an angle and bribe her with the tiara on the condition that she wore the knitted monstrosity. Catlady was kept away from mirrors and everyone told her she “looked lovely and the tiara suited her a treat”, until MinnieClaireWales spoilt it by laughing out loud and MariaPizzeria starting making ghost like noises.

The ghost noises made the camels aka AsianNastyMale, Max, TeeTotal, PhoenixCD, AveDude and Yukon, rear up back stage. The three wise men Billyards, HGV1 and Fatish Neil, who had been quietly sitting on their camels waiting for their slot were last seen trotting up the wrong way of the M1.

Sgt Salt’s announcement that the rehearsals for the day were over until someone could recover the camels, came as a heaven sent message to everyone except phoenix the only bird with wings who was still left dangling half way to the moon by thin ice no dice’s nasty young apprentice…. :twisted: :twisted: