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I would recommend combinations of ingredients to optimise colour, taste and mood depending on the customer.
Dear Ms Geek,
Following our meeting last week at the Luton Accident and Emergency Unit, it gives me great pleasure to enclose the requested information.
Warmest regards.
Mr Fridge and a Half.
The DelBoy™ (Also known as the ‘Ælfræd™’).
Ingredients.
A super boozy concoction, consisting of liberal lashings of high end white rum, dark rum and ‘normal’ rum… from Morrisons, plus the most vital ingredient, babycham (if you can’t get babycham lambrini is a good substitute). Also add one ‘passion’ fruit crushed in a blender, fresh orange or lime juice, a tiny slurp of Lyle’s golden syrup and finally, my top secret blend of exotic spices that guarantees the DelBoy™ purrs like a vintage Jaguar E-Type. The ‘barely’ noticeable aftertaste of stale Hamlet miniature cigars and musty old Ford Capri Mk lll, reward the customers with a ‘curious’ earthy tang, circa 1978.
How to ‘mix’ and prepare the DelBoy™.
Chuck all the ingredients (don’t bother with any measurements) into a large shaker and fill with ice (don’t forget my ‘special’ exotic spice mix which handily comes pre-prepared in waterproof sachets). Shake vigorously for a few minutes (like you are swinging a cat) and then strain and strain and strain again and slowly pour into a tall ‘chilled’ glass, filled with… ice. Garnish with a ‘pineapple’ half-wheel and a cherry (or two) and smear some sherbet fountain on the rim and of course… add a cocktail umbrella (although this isn’t compulsory). If you are in an especially risqué mood, feel free to add some Fizz Wiz popping candy to the glass rim as well (always a winner).
Recent reviews.
“Jamie Oliver lavishes praise on a new innovative, nostalgia inducing cocktail. Jamie said in a statement last night that DelBoy™ reminds him of his granddad, stale wee and rock hard unidentifiable cake, in a mouldy biscuit tin.” (Guardian 29th February, 2017).
“Wetherspoon to stock popular ‘blast from the past’ sexy new cocktail nationwide. A spokesperson said today that DelBoy™ has proved to be a big ‘hit’ with customers during an extended trial at the MuttsNuts in Salisbury. The spokesperson added that it is particularly popular with the younger lager “connoisseur” generation, especially after they have necked 10 pints of cheap Carlsberg, before 9pm on a Saturday night.” (The Sun Online 1st April, 2017).
Unfortunately though it is not all good news. Inexperienced testers (really stupid people) might have awarded the DelBoy™ a whopping 4.7 out of 5 marks, but frustratingly, testers with a more sophisticated and discerning palate, only awarded the DelBoy™ a miserly 2 out of 5. (I am currently in discussion with the Southend-on-Sea Cocktail and Mixologist Confederation (SCAM) in a desperate and somewhat futile attempt to have that low score reappraised, but unfortunately they keep throwing me out of the building and beating me with large batons).
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This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by
Ge.
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Geraldine, that was rather sublime. Nice to see you again x
Can you find that little cafe, with the funny sounding name? Get the corner by the window. If the Disco DJ is there, go on, dance till the break of day. If we’re not back in Love by Monday, then we’ll go our seperate ways, Ok?
application for employment..
name: Ruby Rasputin red..
address: Dundee, home of some decent bands and all nighters of the Northern soul era.
Likes.. drinking, getting all sentimental over the days when music was music. Ending up Belly up with a combination of whisky, and laughing. I have an Equity card if it helps, as I once played a busty character on Take the high road and strathblair. and a cabaret singer on taggart.. I ended up dead like,, but played a corpse most wonderfully. Prawn Bhuna. seafood and pineapple pizza, annoying online folks. fags,, as in cigarettes. Thinking my own sense of humour is the best ever..
dislikes.. Tories, the SNP, online folks that have no sense o humour , no one laughing at my jokes. heavy metal shite.. Grime !! as in rapping juniors, who need a bath and good mother loving. People who look into their phones too much on a night out. online people.
What can I offer Divine Inc..? me.. my wee booth , interspersing fine wit with Dirty jokes. Early Punk to thrusty Funk.. very punctual ( true) to the point of pacing the floor. can always side line as a pole dancer for the feeders in the audience.. can sing well. I cannot twerk though as my knees are kinda sore. I can play tutti frutti on my arse cheeks though !
when can I start.. : tomorrow actually. do I sound desperate. ?
Needed In my loners booth. a telly for me to catch up on broadchurch and EastEnders. blended whisky.. no posh shite. Headphones.. ( bose) , a fan to fan my post menopausal self. a vagina wig, in case I get lucky.. polygrip ( same reason) internet access to annoy pretentious online users.
can supply own hoover.
sighned R,,x as I ran out of grammatically correct things..
2 members liked this post.
Dear Ms Geek, Following our meeting last week at the Luton Accident and Emergency Unit, it gives me great pleasure to enclose the requested information.
Thank you ever so much oh kind Sir! I do sincerely hope that you’ve fully recovered from the unfortunate, err, let’s call it “incident” that led to us meeting at Luton A&E and I am delighted to say that not only has your reply given me detailed information about said cocktail, it’s also inspired me to create yet another as-yet-untested concoction called The Flying Fridge. Once it’s out of initial testing and into early production stages you’ll be the first to know.
2 members liked this post.
Thank you ever so much oh kind Sir! I do sincerely hope that you’ve fully recovered from the unfortunate, err, let’s call it “incident” that led to us meeting at Luton A&E and I am delighted to say that not only has your reply given me detailed information about said cocktail, it’s also inspired me to create yet another as-yet-untested concoction called The Flying Fridge. Once it’s out of initial testing and into early production stages you’ll be the first to know.
It will be a privilege and an absolute honor to be the first to know when the ‘Flying Fridge’ goes into early production. Perhaps you can be kind enough to arrange a personal tour of your production facilities and a private tasting session, with the Fridge. Please let me know in advance so I can pre-order a crash helmet made of the hardest Tungsten steel and full Kevlar® Body Armour, reinforced with Titanium and chromium.
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sorry.. miss geek and Geri came in there in between.. my offer wAS loner dee jay on divines..
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and you did it.. made people laugh.. :) made people cry.. but YOU did it.
thank you x
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This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by
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